Dayzee Dazzle and the Cadaver Collectors, Thrills N Kills in the Hills Book Four
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 – We’ll Have So Many Cadavers 1
Chapter 2 – Take This More Seriously! 8
Chapter 3 – Already Mostly a Corpse 14
Chapter 4 – More Crazy Than Thrilling 23
Chapter 5 – They Really Are on Fire 29
Chapter 6 – Flames Are Flaming to Inflame 35
Chapter 7 – I’m Donating the Booze 41
Chapter 8 – Stripped Together Upside Down 50
Chapter 9 – We Need Another Lion 58
Chapter 10 – I’ve Come Back for You 64
Chapter 11 – You’re Being Promoted 68
Chapter 12 – The Boss, Still Lassoed 76
Chapter 13 – I Kind of Love Lions Now 86
Chapter 14 – Squid Babies Flying Everywhere 95
Chapter 15 – About to Become Lion Bait 100
Chapter 16 – A Sexy Wardrobe Change 106
Chapter 17 – Can’t Let Go Now 115
Chapter 18 – Reliable Prisoner Cadaver Help 123
Chapter 19 – No Flocks of Collectors! 131
Chapter 20 – We Need a Bomb 139
Chapter 21 – The Dead Man Strut 148
Chapter 22 – Thrown Out of the Flats 155
Chapter 23 – It’s Only Getting Worse 164
Chapter 24 – A Telepathic Bomb Ticking 171
Chapter 25 – Yapping About Lemonade 179
Chapter 26 – Our Kollector Kitties 186
Chapter 27 – Kildare in the Hills 194
Chapter 28 – Even Meaner Torch People 204
Chapter 29 – Some Kind of Twisted Sex 209
Chapter 30 – Space and Time Fracturing 215
Chapter 31 – You Can’t Burn my House! 224
Chapter 32 – Why Did You Call Me? 231
Chapter 33 – Sis, What Is He? 240
Chapter 34 – Or We All Burn 245
Chapter 35 – Only in Beverly Hills 254
Chapter 36 – Below the Bay 258
Chapter 1 – We’ll Have So Many Cadavers
“Dammit, I’m losing track,” Dayzee said as she leaned her back into the heavy wooden door of the Prism bar on Sunset Boulevard.
She scoffed at the traffic streaming past, oblivious to her and the Kildare Killers standing in the Southern California sunshine. Her tiny black skirt and short, high-heeled black boots left a lot of distance to show her black fishnets. She shook her head a couple of times, sending her thick, wild blond mane off of the shoulders of her tight, low-buttoned white blouse.
She looked down at the severed head that she was cradling in her arms like a newborn.
“I mean, whose head is this?”
She looked to her left and met the disinterested bright blue gaze from Sophia, who smirked, resumed her study of the street, and said, “Like it matters. It’s just the one Mack handed to you on the way out.”
Sophia leaned back into the building’s brick wall and lifted one pointy black heel up against it, shortening her black skirt even more. Between her red blouse and the sunlit wall, her long, straight, silky black hair hid from the light breezes.
“Yes, Sissy,” said Sophia’s twin sister, Marilyn, and Dayzee turned to the right to catch a sight of her equally bright blue eyes as she leaned forward to address Sophia. “Getting any head is probably a good thing. But maybe Dayzee should return it? Trade it in for something more fun?”
The breezes were enough to flutter around the bottom hem of Marilyn’s very short and tight white dress. Her classic, wavy blond hair teased gently in the gusts and when she noticed that Sophia had placed one heel against the wall, she also put one of her white high heels up.
Sophia leaned forward and said to her sister, “Sis, that could work if Dayzee had a receipt. But when heads get lopped off and passed around, no one takes the time to—”
“Girls,” Dayzee said while holding the head out in both hands, shaking her head at the sight of its blinking eyes. “This head isn’t our biggest problem.”
She dropped it onto the concrete, causing a sharp cracking sound and a squirt of slime through the neck.
“Sheesh,” said Sophia.
“He’s still winking at me, Sissy.”
“Of course, Sis. Even when they’re dead and—”
“Girls, we need to figure this out.”
She kicked the head toward the curb, and two young men passing by started kicking it along with them like it was a soccer ball. They’d never slowed or even laughed.
“Only in Beverly Hills,” Dayzee said, shaking her head at the detached head being bounced away along Sunset. “I just had to get out of there. Those Collectors are just too—”
“What about the potion they promised us, Dayzee?”
“Oh, Mare, it can’t possibly be worth—”
“Supplying them with cadavers?” said Sophia. “Before the sun sets on your mansion in the Flats, you know we’ll have so many cadavers that—”
“Fia, we don’t know that. Can’t we possibly have just one day without a bunch of dead bodies everywhere we look?”
“Well, Dayzee,” said Marilyn, “I looked in your freezer once to get some waffles, and there weren’t any dead guys in there.”
Dayzee frowned before turning to her right, toward Marilyn.
“Mare, that might be the one place where—”
Sophia scoffed and said, “I bet there’s one in there right now.”
“Good one, Sissy. Yes, or maybe just a head?”
“Look for head, and you’ll find it, Sis,” Sophia said with a smirk. “Frozen head is better than none at all.”
“Those two gentlemen just got some head, and they weren’t even looking for it.”
Dayzee had been looking from one twin to the other, shaking her own head, and she said, “Mare, that’s just silly. They never stop looking, even when they don’t know they’re looking.”
“Hey,” said Sophia, “how much of that super potion can we get from those creepy Cadaver Collectors if we just trade a head?”
“Sissy, I don’t think a head counts as a cadaver. What do you think, Dayzee?”
Looking out across Sunset, Dayzee puffed up her cheeks and let a deep breath slowly seep out.
“Mare, Fia, I’ll vomit right here if I imagine either of those two Collector creeps getting head.”
Sophia nodded and said, “Good one, Dayzee.”
“Sissy’s right, Dayzee. And so are you. I don’t want an upset stomach again like when I had those baby squids swimming around in me.”
“Sis, it was probably just some tiny eggs, that’s all. The only one with squids squidding around inside was Cliff.”
“Oh, girls, Cliff. Or Dirk. I don’t even know anymore. But he’s back at the mansion setting up for our reality show, ‘Kildare in The Hills.’ We should probably get back there.”
“And do what?” said Sophia. “Just leave those freaky Collectors and our chance at snagging some of that super-orgasmic potion?”
“I want super orgasms, Dayzee,” Marilyn said with a pout.
Sophia smirked and said, “And I want to watch her when she has those, Dayzee. We’ll just have to figure out some kind of deal with them.”
“Okay, fine. I can’t argue with you girls. And I can’t even imagine how agitated you’ll both be after getting your fountains of youth with that special potion.”
“You too, Dayzee,” said Marilyn. “And Sissy and I are both going to be right there to see it.”
Sophia scoffed and said, “Hell, we’ll help.”
“First,” said Dayzee, “we need to get back to the house. A couple of drinks there should help.”
At the sound of a loud slap, all three looked to the left. The head was rolling back toward them, and the two men waved before turning and continuing their walk.
The head’s eyes spent a second looking at each of them.
“He’s trying to—”
Marilyn laughed and said, “Sissy said ‘he!’ That head by itself is still a ‘he!’”
“Yeah, Sis, but he, the head, is trying to think of a pickup line for a time like this. Can’t do it.”
“Damn. Only in Beverly Hills,” said Dayzee.
Dayzee tipped forward from someone inside the Prism giving the door a shove, but she leaned back into it.
“No way. Those creeps are trying to follow us. No way am I letting them out.”
“Um, Dayzee,” said Sophia, “maybe some normal human type of person just wants to get out of there?”
“Sissy’s right, Dayzee. It might just be a human.”
“Oh, fine. Let’s let those freaks,”—she turned and pulled the door out—“face the sunshine and—oh, it’s you, Kenzie.”
Kenzie leaned enough to look through the narrow opening. Her long brown hair hung straight down to one side as she looked from Dayzee, to Sophia, then Marilyn.
“Yeah, it’s me. Who’d you think it was? Those weirdos at the bar?”
Dayzee opened the door all the way and said, “We didn’t know,” as Kenzie exited and took a spot beside Marilyn.
“Oh, wait just a second,” Sophia said before whistling loudly once. “Let’s have a look at you.”
She gestured for Kenzie to step away, then closer to the curb so that they could all see her. Kenzie grinned and complied, then turned to face them.
“Wow, that’s a sight,” Sophia said while looking her up and down.
Kenzie wore high red heels, a short red skirt, and a tight black blouse. She’d neglected to button it up enough to keep three pairs of appreciative eyes from staring at a generous portion of her breasts treating themselves to the sunshine.
“Oh my,” said Marilyn. “That’s how you dress as a barmaid?”
“No, silly,” she said to Marilyn. “I’m leaving for an audition. I’m an actress, remember?”
Dayzee grinned and looked to her left, where she saw Sophia staring straight ahead, her face locked in a smirk.
She looked to her right and saw Marilyn studying the sidewalk, shaking her head slowly.
Then, looking again at Kenzie, she said, “Of course, Kenzie. Everyone around here is. Before you run off to that appointment, though, we could use an experienced limo driver.”
Kenzie frowned at her and said, “Me? I’ve never driven a limo around.”
Marilyn leaned out and said to her sister, “Oh, Sissy, she still doesn’t remember.”
“Remember what?”
Sophia said, “You took a hit to the head, and—”
“Not that head,” Marilyn said, pointing at the one that was now looking up at Kenzie. From up close. With a view from right below her skirt.
Kenzie, looking down first with a smile, then a frown, said, “Oh, I’m feeling kind of funny. Something about that Halloween decoration on the sidewalk maybe.”
“Yeah,” said Dayzee, “that’s what it is. Mack was cleaning up and wanted us to take it.”
Sophia said, “Hey, is it making you remember anything? Anything about heads?”
“Or just, ‘head?’” Marilyn said with a giggle.
Kenzie looked at each of them and said, “Oh my God. I’m starting to remember all kinds of crazy shit.”
“Dead guys walking all around?” said Dayzee.
Softly, Marilyn said, “I still say they were dancing.”
“Mountain lions ripping heads off of everyone?” said Sophia.
Marilyn giggled once and said to herself, “Big cats looking for head.”
“Oh,” said Sophia, “yeah, Sis is right. How about this, Kenzie: say ‘damn lions,’ alright?”
“Uh, why would I do that?”
“Humor me?”
Sophia saw that Marilyn was clapping silently, staring intently at Kenzie.
“And humor Sis?”
“Fine. Damn lions. Ooh, that’s weird. I felt like I was about to . . .”
All three girls were smiling and staring at Kenzie.
“Hey,” she finally said, “who are those two new freaks that were at the bar?”
Dayzee lost her smile and said, “Wait. What do you mean, ‘were’ at the bar?”
“Well, last I saw, they were sniffing around by that statue guy.”
Nodding, Marilyn said, “They sure do a lot of sniffing.”
“Chattering, too, Sis,” said her sister. “Remember those teeth? Sheesh.”
“Oh, God,” said Dayzee. “They’re sniffing around the portal. We have to get back to the mansion.”
“I don’t remember anything about any kind of portal or any other―”
“There’s no time for that,” said Dayzee. “We need to go, and you’re driving!”
“But I have an audition that I—”
“No, no, no,” said Dayzee. “You’re back in the show with us.”
“Kildare in the Hills,” said Sophia. “All of us.”
“Maybe even Kozy?” said Marilyn.
Kenzie turned to her, squinting, and said, “Kozy. I remember that name.”
“We’ll figure that all out later girls. Right now, we have to move!”
Chapter 2 – Take This More Seriously!
Dayzee hooked Kenzie’s arm and said, “Walk with us, Kenzie. See the limo over there?”
“That shiny one? Wow, it’s spotless. Nice that you got it detailed.”
“Not the way you think,” said Sophia. “It’s a special process.”
“Yes,” Marilyn said, walking behind them with Sophia by her side, “very special. If it wasn’t for those Collectors, our limo would still be covered in all kinds of—”
“Leaves,” said Dayzee. “Bugs and mulch and dirt too.”
“Oh,” said Kenzie. “So, who detailed it? Someone that collects limos?”
Dayzee turned enough to wink at Sophia.
“She’s kind of a sweet kid too.”
Then, to Kenzie, she said, “Let’s just say that we have someone on speed dial that can clean up any kind of pesky, annoying—”
“Or bloody!” said Marilyn, causing them all to stop.
Quickly, Dayzee said, “We’re hoping for no blood. But, um, in these memories of yours that are coming back . . . anything about blood?”
Kenzie stopped, and the three girls stopped with her.
“Uh, no. Not yet anyway. Something about a hat, though?”
Marilyn clapped quietly and said, “Yay! You know who’s coming back!”
“Sis, we don’t know for sure that—”
“Who’s coming back?”
“No one, Kenzie,” said Dayzee. “Let’s get back to the house. Girls, we have so much to figure out that we might have to call Mack with an emergency booze delivery.”
“I bet he could deliver all kinds of good things,” said Sophia.
Marilyn said, “And die trying.”
“I do kind of remember driving this limo around,” Kenzie said while swinging open the driver’s door.
“Might not have been this one,” Dayzee said as she claimed the front passenger seat. “We kind of burn through them.”
“Burn, Sissy,” said Marilyn. “We sure do burn through . . . things.”
“Like, yard guys, Sis? Film crew guys?”
Dayzee saw the worried look on Kenzie’s face and said, “We’re just kind of demanding, that’s all. It goes with being such famous film—”
When she saw Kenzie’s eyes bug out and point at the dashboard, Dayzee looked too. A finger was lying there oozing into a red puddle.
The twins, sitting up against each other in the back seat, leaned forward to look too.
“Damn lions,” said Kenzie. “Hey, why did I say that again?”
Dayzee pointed at the finger and said, “Because that’s what they do. They’re always ripping things off of—”
“Why didn’t the Collectors suck that up too?” said Sophia.
Then, she looked at the small body parts ground into the carpeting beneath her and her sister’s heels and said softly, “Sheesh.”
“Oh my, Sissy. They’re not very reliable.”
“Girls,” Dayzee said, holding the finger up for emphasis, “this was inside. They didn’t take the time to suck up all the—”
“Vacuum up, you mean?”
“Yeah, Kenzie. Uh-huh. Sure.”
Dayzee tossed the finger onto the sidewalk and powered up the window.
“You’re just leaving that on the sidewalk?”
“Kenzie, this the Hills. That’s the least of the weird stuff that happens around here.”
“Always some kind of thrill,” said Marilyn.
“Anyway,” said Dayzee, “I’m ready. Kenzie, you have the wheel. Do you remember the way to my house?”
Sophia smirked and said, “Without those Collectors, she could have followed the trail.”
Kenzie spun around to look in back and said, “What trail?”
“Sissy’s just being funny,” said Marilyn. “Home, James.”
“That’s funny, Sis.”
“I remember the way. And who’s James?”
“No one, Kenzie. Can you please get us all back to the Flats?”
“Sure. Even though I’m not a driver. Or a barmaid. Not really.”
“Yes, you’re an actress, Kenzie!” said Marilyn.
With Sophia and Marilyn whispering in the backseat and Dayzee watching the Sunset Boulevard scenery, Kenzie took the sweep left on the way to Dayzee’s mansion in the Flats.
“I’m starting to realize something,” she said.
The twins stopped to listen, and Dayzee turned toward her and said, “Oh, and what might that be?”
“That head back at the Prism. It wasn’t—”
“The head you were looking for?” Marilyn said with a giggle.
“Sis, are we sure she was looking for head? I mean, those two soccer players—”
“Fia,” said Dayzee, “they weren’t soccer players until they got some head.”
“And just like any other guys,” Marilyn said, shaking her head, “when they were done, they just kicked it out somewhere.”
“No,” said Kenzie. “No, listen to me. That wasn’t a decoration, was it? God, it was looking up my skirt!”
“Who wouldn’t?” Sophia said with a smirk. “Give me half a chance.”
“Oh, Sissy, you’ve had way more than half a chance. It started when we were all driving home, and you and—”
“Sis, maybe not now, alright?”
“Sure, Sissy. Later, I’ll remind you of every little detail that—”
“Stop and listen, alright?” Kenzie said as she turned left onto Dayzee’s street. “That head was alive, at least at one time. And that finger, Dayzee? That wasn’t any kind of decoration, was it?”
“Well, um, I wouldn’t hang it from my Christmas tree.”
Sophia snorted out a loud laugh, and Marilyn giggled before saying, “And we’re not wrapping up all this yucky stuff back here either.”
Kenzie hit the brakes, bringing the long car to a stop.
“Uh, what stuff back where?”
“Nothing important,” Sophia said while powering down her window and tossing out a hand. “Accidents happen.”
“They sure do, Sissy. All the time around us.”
Dayzee turned to smile at the twins and said, “Girls, it’s Beverly Hills. Things like that always—”
Kenzie turned to her and said, “Dayzee, no! I’m starting to remember a whole lot of stuff like this, and it’s not funny!”
“It’s kind of funny,” said Marilyn. “Sissy, I like how they were always dancing around, looking for head, then—”
“Sis, they were never really dancing. Looking for head, though? Oh, yeah. Sometimes they even found—”
“All of you!” said Kenzie. “You should all take this more seriously! Don’t you realize it could get so much worse?”
They all sat in silence while Kenzie looked at each of them, then she ended up holding Dayzee’s calm gaze.
Until Dayzee started to laugh.
“Then, my dear actress Kenzie, we’ll just rock and roll with it.”
Kenzie stared with no reply.
Marilyn said, “I want some of that potion. Whatever it takes, Sissy.”
“Oh, yeah, Sis. That’s the only way to dance with dead guys.”
Kenzie still stared at Dayzee, her face frozen with wide-open eyes.
“It’s the Hills, Kenzie. Let’s get some booze in you. You’ll be fine.”
“Yes, right there,” Dayzee said with a beaming smile as she tapped her phone to open the massive wrought iron entrance gate to her estate in the Beverly Hills Flats. “You really did remember.”
“Yeah, this all looks familiar. It brings back a lot of memories too.”
“Good. Don’t let it upset you. We find that if we don’t take things too seriously, then, well, they’re not too serious.”
“Just how much do you remember?” said Sophia.
Kenzie screeched the limo to a stop just inside the gate. They all had a view through the windshield of busy yard guys, all wearing orange jumpsuits, and other men carrying around lighting and sound equipment and cameras.
She turned enough to see Marilyn but couldn’t see Sophia. So, Sophia laid her arms on the seat back and leaned over to give Kenzie a view of her big blue eyes.
“I remember your name,” Kenzie said with a quick giggle.
“Uh-oh, Sissy,” said Marilyn. “Here we go again.”
“Wait a second, Sis. Kenzie, what name is that?”
Kenzie paused to look at Dayzee, who grinned and said, “I could say it. But I think we all want to hear it from you. So, Kenzie, what name for Fia are you talking about?”
She held Sophia’s gaze for a second, smiling, then grabbed the steering wheel and looked out at all of the activity around Dayzee’s mansion.
“Fifi.”
“That’s my Sissy,” said Marilyn. “Well, it was for a while.”
Sophia, with a big grin, said, “I did like being called—”
“Girls!” said Dayzee. “Never mind that now. Look!”
She pointed toward the long row of second-story windows, drawing Kenzie’s eyes to them. Marilyn and Sophia leaned low and into the front seat to see up through the window.
“Hey, Dayzee,” said Kenzie, “how did they get here before us?”
“Uh, they, um . . .”
“Oh, maybe it’s not the same ones? Could that be it?”
Sophia said, “They, uh, those . . .”
Marilyn said, “No. That’s them. See the chattering teeth?”
“Yeah,” said Dayzee, “and they’re the same shade of yellow. The only thing that could make this worse is—”
They all looked up at the rapid series of thumps on the roof of the limo, then watched three large female mountain lions pad down the windshield, across the hood, and to the asphalt.
Two more hustled to join them along each side of the car.
The lionesses all paused for just a second, then split up and scurried silently behind the hedges to each side which provided thick walls all along the high iron fence ringing Dayzee’s property.
“Oh, boy. Just wonderful.”
“And I’m okay with all of that,” Kenzie said, then put the car in drive and began idling closer to the house. “You know why?”
All three girls stared and waited.
“Because it’s Beverly Hills,” she said, still looking up at the Cadaver Collectors in the window. “Things happen here. Crazy things.”
Dayzee said, “It’s not because, uh, you’re an actress?”
“Well, that too.”
Chapter 3 – Already Mostly a Corpse
“No!” Dayzee screamed, “Go that way!”
Kenzie was about to pull straight in toward the row of garage doors, but she did as instructed and turned enough to begin following the curved drive which led to the exit gate.
“Sure. Why?” said Kenzie. “What’s the big deal?”
“Because we should just leave. I think we should just run.”
“No way, Dayzee,” said Sophia. “You promised us some drinks.”
“Sissy’s right, and I need a swim. Why on Earth would you—”
“That’s funny, Sis.”
“—would you want to leave your house? Just because those creepy Collector fellows are—”
“One of them is a ‘she,’ Sis. At least, that’s what the ‘he,’ told us.”
“Sissy, we don’t even know if he’s a ‘he.’”
“Girls! It doesn’t matter what they are. Can’t we just all disappear for a couple of days? I could use some rest. It’s been a wild few days.”
“No, hold up,” Kenzie said as she coasted the shiny black vehicle to a stop near the porch. “I already lost that audition so that I could star in your—”
“You’re starring?” said Sophia. “It’s not enough to just—”
“No, Fifi,” said Kenzie, “it’s not enough, dammit.”
“Ooh, Sissy, she’s a fiery one.”
“Oh, like hot, you mean?”
“Uh-huh,” said Marilyn. “Yep. Maybe you two could try out your―”
“All of you, stop a second,” said Dayzee.
Everyone quieted down and watched able-bodied men, some of them prisoners, taking care of the grounds and setting up for shooting some reality show scenes.
From farther along the drive, Cliff was approaching the limo with a clipboard in his hand.
“Just wonderful. Squid boy.”
“He’s not really a squid anymore, Dayzee,” said Marilyn. “Remember that strange Moe character? That head soup deal?”
“Sis, he never was a squid. He just changed his name because he had one from that comet dug deep into his—”
“What on Earth are you three talking about?” said Kenzie. “Squids and soups and comets?”
“Um,” said Dayzee, “blame it on Beverly Hills? Maybe?”
Kenzie just stared out at Cliff as he drew near, and the twins giggled in the backseat.
“And here we go,” said Dayzee.
Dayzee let him rap on the glass before she lowered it.
“Cliff, so good to see you.”
“I’m not entirely sure, Dayzee, but I think I might be back to being just Dirk. Is that alright with everyone?”
He leaned over to look all around in the limo.
“Oh, that’s good,” he said. “Kenzie’s back.”
Holding her gaze, he said, “I’d love to have you and your brother, Kozy, conniving and scheming and—”
Kenzie blurted out, “I remember Kozy. That was fun!”
Dirk grinned and squinted at the same time, and Dayzee leaned forward to get a better look at Kenzie.
“Just how much do you remember?” she said.
Kenzie pointed up toward the bedroom windows.
“You know what I’m talking about, Dayzee. Oh my God, that was so weird.”
“Uh, weird in a good way, at least?”
“Oh yeah, Dayzee. Somehow, some way, we’re going to get that going again like when I was, um, different, and—”
“Hey,” said Sophia. “Enough with memory lane, alright? Sis and I want to get going on that maniac potion, so we’ll need—”
“Corpses,” said Marilyn. “Oops. I mean, cadavers.”
Dirk said, “I still have no clue what’s going on here, and I love it! All of you girls, just do whatever you want. All I ask is that you wait for a camera to do it. Alright? How’s that for a plan?”
Dayzee turned back to him and said, “Uh, Dirk. We’re not really planning to blow up the rating system just on this reality show, are we?”
“We could. We sure as hell could, girls. But no, you’re right. We might have to edit out a few bits and pieces so the old ladies don’t have fits and strokes and things.”
“Fine,” said Dayzee. “You asked for it, you got it.”
Sophia got her hand in front of Dayzee and pointed up to the windows.
“Them, too, Dayzee. You know what I mean.”
“I know what Sissy means. Those two odd things are in the script somewhere now too.”
Dirk said, “I still don’t have the slightest idea, but that’s brilliant. Who needs writers? They could never think up stuff like this!”
“I can barely keep up with it myself,” said Dayzee. “Still, we should probably—”
A lion’s roar, followed by a scream, called out from the thick shrubbery near the entrance gate, which Dayzee had closed. All any of them could see was a few branches waving around until they came to rest.
“And, there’s body number one,” Sophia said with a smirk.
“Oh, Sissy, you mean cadaver.”
“Cliff,” said Dayzee. “I mean, Dirk. Do you have a head count for your crew?”
“Oh, that’s funny, Dayzee,” Sophia said while laughing comfortably.
“Thanks, Fia. I try sometimes.”
“We tried counting them last time, Dayzee. Remember that?”
“I do remember, Mare. I don’t think we know numbers that big.”
“What on Earth is going on with all of you?” said Dirk. “I really have no clue!”
“I think I know,” said Kenzie, then she turned to look out at the shrubs. “And this, what I just have to do, is for all kinds of reasons.”
She powered down her window and leaned out, using her hands as a megaphone.
“Damn lions!”
Sophia grinned while shaking her head, and Marilyn giggled softly and clapped her hands.
Dayzee said, “We’re heading for more reality than any audience is ready for.”
Dayzee and the twins were bringing Dirk toward the few porch steps that led to the front door, but Kenzie was leaning against the driver’s door of the limo, scanning all around.
“Hey, Kenzie,” said Dayzee, “I don’t think saying that has much to do with actual lions.”
“She’s right,” said Sophia. “It’s all about you saying ‘damn lions.’ That’s the thing.”
“I bet Sissy has a few more things she’d like you to say,” said Marilyn.
“Sis, there’s no need to—”
“I like her saying ‘damn lions’ just fine,” said Dayzee, then she gave a quick glance up at the bedroom windows.
While Sophia was saying, “If you and Kenzie can get that to work again the way you want, Dayzee, I want a front row seat.”
“Ooh, if there’s only one seat, Sissy, can I sit on your lap? I want to watch too.”
“Sure, Sis. Plan on that even if nothing’s going on. Even if there are lots of other seats. We can—”
“I hate to interrupt your indecipherable conversation,” said Dirk, “but who in the dreadful reality show called hell are those two?”
Dayzee and the twins didn’t even bother looking up.
“That’s, um . . . they—”
“What Dayzee means,” said Sophia, “is that those, um, particular individuals, that, um, you see up in that—”
Marilyn said, “They’re Dayzee’s parents!”
Dayzee’s face froze in a snarl as she stared at Marilyn. Sophia shook from the laughter that she fought to contain. Marilyn only shrugged at Dayzee, then looked at Dirk.
“This is fantastic,” he said. “It’s just too good to be true! Yes, good, there are family members here for filming.”
He pointed high over the roof and said, “Your guesthouse, Dayzee. Way at the back of your property. That’s where we’re planting those delightful parents of yours!”
“Uh, they probably should be planted, but I’m not so sure that they’re anywhere near being delightful.”
“I want to meet them!”
He looked toward the limo and waved his hand.
“Kenzie! Come on! Let’s all go meet—”
“No!” said Dayzee. “Kenzie, you, uh, better stay with the car. In case, um, maybe if—”
“Need a quick getaway,” said Marilyn. “That could happen.”
Dirk looked at each of them and ended up with Sophia.
She shrugged, gave him an exaggerated smirk, then said, “Booze runs, Dirk. What else could possibly happen?”
He grinned and pointed at her, saying, “Well, this is still Beverly Hills, right? Am I right?”
Sophia’s eyes got big and stopped blinking, then she said, “No. You too?”
Dayzee laughed and said, “It sure as hell isn’t North Holly—”
They froze at another roar and another scream, then watched more shrubs bouncing but only for a few seconds.
All around the grounds, prisoner yard guys and Dirk’s new film crew stopped to look, too, but they gave up after a few seconds and got back to work.
“Sure looks like a healthy supply of young men working around here.”
Dirk looked around and said, “Well, yeah. I guess.”
Dayzee looked at Sophia, who was nodding and grinning at her.
She then looked at Marilyn, who was bouncing her eyebrows and holding up two fingers. She mouthed the word, “fountains.”
“Oh, boy,” Dayzee said with an eye roll. “Sure, Dirk. Let’s go meet my parents.”
“Great! Are they from out of town?”
“Ha!” Marilyn said before her sister elbowed her.
“Come on, Sis. Let’s go meet Dayzee’s parents,” she said.
“Fine. Dirk? Girls? Let’s go see the folks.”
Dayzee accepted Dirk’s hand, and the twins held hands as they began the short walk toward the porch. But a loud call from somewhere across the grounds brought them all to a stop.
“Boss! Hey!”
Everyone turned around to watch the young man carrying a tall stack of cardboard boxes, looking first around one side, then the other, as he approached them.
“Chang, right?” said Dirk. “All of you fellows are new, but soon you’ll be—”
“Dead!” Marilyn whispered to her sister, earning her another elbow strike and a quick laugh too.
“—my veteran crew.”
“Yes, Boss. I am Chang.”
“What exactly is your specialty, Chang?”
He turned enough that Dirk and everyone else could see him without the stack of boxes in the way. With a big grin, he shrugged and said, “I do not know!”
“Just wonderful,” Dayzee said softly enough for only the twins to hear, causing a giggle from Marilyn and a smirk from Sophia.
“Well, the agency sent you, so we’ll figure it out,” said Dirk. “Say, what’s in the boxes?”
Still turned, holding the boxes out of the way, Chang nodded and said, “Boxes!”
“Yes, we can all see that. But what is inside the boxes?”
“Ah,” he said, nodding. “More boxes!”
“Oh, boy,” mumbled Dayzee.
Sophia whispered to Marilyn, “I know what will be in those boxes soon, Sis.”
“Heads, Sissy?”
Dirk abandoned Chang and his boxes and strained to hear what the Kildare Killers were saying.
“Is that enough?” said Sophia. “I mean, to trade for that miracle potion?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Sissy. I think the Collectors want to collect each head’s cadaver.”
“Wait, Sis. The cadavers belong to the heads? That’s how it works?”
“No, Sissy, I think all of that belongs to the Collectors once they collect it.”
“That makes sense. So, we can use those boxes to—”
“For the life of me,” said Dirk, “I have zero clue what these splendid twins are talking about. I love it, though! You all just launch yourselves into the most endearing adlibs at the drop of a hat. When the cameras―”
“I liked my hat,” Kenzie said from the other side of the limo. “Where’s my hat? Damn lions!”
Dayzee, the twins, and Dirk stared at her for a few seconds. Chang broke the silence by stumbling, tipping the boxes around, then restoring their balance.
“Uh-oh,” said Marilyn. “She’s losing her mind, Sissy.”
Sophia blew Kenzie a kiss, then said to her sister, “She’s still damn hot, though.”
“With or without her hat?”
“Yep. Can’t say that about her head, though, Sis.”
“Nope.”
Their dialog ended, they looked at Dirk, who was staring back at them and scratching his head. He shook it quickly and turned to address Chang.
“Why don’t you get those supplies into the larger of the guesthouses, alright? We have some out-of-state dignitaries that will—”
“State?” Dayzee said, shaking her head at Dirk. “Sure. Okay. Let’s go with that.”
Dirk continued.
“Well, just get that place ready, Chang. We’ll figure out what to do with you soon.”
“If he’s still around,” said Sophia.
“Oh, Sissy, he’s like that burnt, headless, blind, diamond-toothed Colombian cowboy. Remember him?”
Chang had left for the guesthouse, and Dirk turned to hear Sophia’s reply to her sister. She looked at Dirk with a grin when she spoke.
“No, Sis. But I remember his cadaver.”
“Girls,” said Dayzee, “we’ll figure out the cadaver situation later. Right now, we have a family reunion to get to.”
“Wait,” said Sophia. “Hold up a second.”
They watched Chang stumble with his awkward cargo around the limo, then stop near Kenzie.
“Hi. You drive them around?”
“Yeah, but I’m not really a driver. I’m an—”
Dayzee yelled, “She’s an actress!”
The twins giggled. Dirk stared at each of them, then back at Chang and Kenzie.
“Okay. Good. If you take breaks, I can drive. I drive good.”
Sophia smirked and said, softly to Marilyn, “He’ll be lucky to live long enough to finish that conversation.”
“Yes, Sissy. How true. He’s already mostly a corpse.”
“Girls,” said Dayzee, “give him a chance. He just might—”
“How much potion to you think you might want, Dayzee?”
“Oh, Fia. I think a lot.”
“So,” said Marilyn, “let the cadavering begin!”
“Okay,” Kenzie said to Chang, “sure. I’ll let you know.”
“Okay!”
He turned too quickly and struggled to keep it all stacked, then he left for the guesthouse.
“Are we finally ready to meet the family?” said Dirk. “I can’t wait!”
“Oh, boy. Sure. Let’s go,” Dayzee said, and she led them up the steps and toward the front door.
Chapter 4 – More Crazy Than Thrilling
“Dayzee,” said Dirk, “this door will never do for the show. Oh, unless we can come up with a fun story on how it got that way. Is there one? What happened to it?”
The wooden front door was shattered and split and a large section of it was gone altogether. A slab of plywood had been sloppily nailed over it.
“Dirk, we did get a carpenter for that, but he, um, got distracted?”
“He was a slacker,” said Sophia.
“Yes, Sissy, and then he was a cadaver.”
“I kind of wish we had what was left of him now. We could trade that for—”
“Well,” said Dirk, reaching for the knob, “these conversations just get more bizarre all the time. I absolutely love it, and so will the viewers. It’s a weird thing but sometimes, it’s better if they have no idea what’s going on.”
He shook the door and squealed it into the house.
“They’ll love our show, then,” said Dayzee. “After you, Dirk.”
“Don’t mind if I do!”
He walked in, Dayzee followed, and the twins followed her. Marilyn was the last one in, and she left the damaged door open.
When Dirk saw the door still open, he looked at Marilyn, and she shrugged and said, “Um, quick getaways, remember?”
He pointed at her and said, “Yes. For booze or who knows what?”
“We never know what,” said Dayzee. “It’s all a surprise to us too. Okay, up the stairs to—”
“Dayzee!”
Kenzie was in the yard, yelling while looking around the house.
“See?” Sophia said with a smirk. “There’s always an emergency.”
“Dayzee, your parents will have to be patient. First, let’s go see what Kenzie—”
“Oh, no, Dirk. You stay inside. The girls and I will take a look.”
She pinched his cheek and said, “Be right back.”
All three girls walked over to Kenzie, then stopped and looked where she was pointing: toward the guesthouse which Chang had entered. The door was open, and two lions were slowly backing themselves out through the doorway.
“Did we call this, or what?” Dayzee said, allowing herself a few good laughs.
Both of the lions were chomping down on the collar of Chang’s shirt, and probably him, too, and dragging him out of the guesthouse.
Sophia smirked and said, “I’m surprised he lasted this long.”
Marilyn giggled, pointed at Kenzie, and said, “Oh, Kenzie, you know what to say. Say it!”
Kenzie grimaced, turned to watch the limp body being dragged toward the bushes, then faced the girls again.
“Damn lions,” she said, still frowning.
“Oh, come on,” said Dayzee. “A little enthusiasm, alright?”
Kenzie shook her head, and her frown softened.
“Damn lions.”
Marilyn pushed up both corners of her mouth into a manufactured smile.
“Try it again, Kenzie. And smile!”
Kenzie gave up and laughed, then said, “Damn lions!”
“Yep,” said Sophia. “That’s just the way things go around here.”
Dayzee nodded and said, “In Beverly Hills. Yeah. So, what do you think? Forget it being a guesthouse and call it a deathhouse?”
“I like that,” said Sophia. “Good one.”
“Thanks, Fia.”
“Can we start calling the other guesthouse that, too, or do we have to wait?”
“Well, Mare, it might be more accurate to wait until—”
“None of you are really taking any of this seriously enough,” Kenzie said.
“Ooh, look!” said Marilyn.
Two different female mountain lions, each holding one of Chang’s boxes in her mouth, stood in the doorway and squinted as they studied the yard.
“Oh, boy,” said Dayzee. “What now?”
“I bet there are heads in those boxes.”
“I think Sissy’s right. Those lady lions seem to be always prowling for head. They even packaged them up.”
“Girls, no. Those boxes aren’t big enough for human heads.”
“See, Dayzee?” said Kenzie, frowning over the limo at her. “It’s only getting worse. Yes, it’s all kind of crazy and thrilling, but it’s more crazy than thrilling.”
“Eh,” said Dayzee. “You take the thrills with a little crazy. So what?”
Sophia said, “I’ll see your crazy and thrilling and raise you a few ripe cadavers.”
“Ooh,” said Marilyn, “yes! And I’ll see all of that and raise you a batch or a ton of insane cosmic potion!”
“That’s what you’re calling it, Sis?”
Marilyn shrugged and said, “Well, why not, Sissy?”
“Huh. Okay.”
“Girls, that’s all fun, but we have lady lion issues right now.”
Kenzie said, “None of you are taking this seriously. It’s going to get worse. I can feel it.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” said Sophia. “Until you’re actually a member of the cadaver club, you—”
“I like that, Sissy. That’s funny.”
“—you don’t need to—”
“All of you, look! They’re on the move!” said Dayzee.
The lions held their boxes and began rushing back toward the front of the house, causing the girls to hurry behind the limo.
Dayzee watched them. The Kildare Killers watched them. All of the crew guys watched them.
The lions got to the front of the house, then leaped onto a trellis that spanned the full height of Dayzee’s mansion. Their claws scraped and they growled as they climbed to the second floor, where they jumped into the room where the Collectors were waiting.
Keeping her eyes on the window, Dayzee said, “I think I’m starting to get what Dirk has been saying: I have no idea what in the hell is going on around here.”
“See?” said Kenzie. “What the hell was that with those lions?”
“Oh, I know,” said Sophia. “Those lions are delivering invitations to the club.”
“What club?”
Marilyn nodded and offered a pleasant smile.
“Why, the cadaver club, Kenzie.”
“You’re all so—”
“Hot?” said Dayzee. “Thanks, so are—”
“No! I mean, yeah, but—”
“We’ll figure it out later. Girls, let’s go see what this is all about. Kenzie, can you guard the limo for a while?”
“Sure.”
Dayzee took both Kildare Killers by their hands and aimed for the shattered front door.
“Hey!”
They all stopped.
“What now, Kenzie?”
“It won’t be as easy in there as you think.”
She pointed up and said, “Look.”
Dayzee led the twins back to the limo, and they all looked up to the window where the lions had climbed in.
“Um, Dayzee, maybe Kenzie is kind of right,” said Sophia.
“Yeah, Fia. Uh-huh.”
“Those Collector things were already some kind of weirdos, Dayzee. They didn’t need to start doing that kind of nonsense too.”
“Uh, no. You’re right, Mare.”
Both Collectors stood in the window, and the girls could just make out the different colors of feathers in their fedoras—the only distinguishing difference between them—and knew that the female of the two was on the right.
And she was holding up her left hand, as if she were waving without moving it.
And it was burning like a perfect little torch.
“Uh, Dayzee?” said Sophia. “Maybe we should get the hell out of here.”
“You might be right, Fia. That’s . . . that’s . . .”
“Kind of weird even for Beverly Hills,” said Marilyn.
“Yeah, Mare. Uh-huh. But it’s just her hand, and she—”
The female Collector crossed her hand over to her male counterpart, touched it against his head for just a second, and his head, just the top of it, became a larger, brighter torch.
“Oh, boy. Girls, we still have to go in there.”
“Uh, to save Dirk?”
“No, Fia. Not for Dirk.”
“To, um, save those poor little lions?”
“God, no, Mare. Uh-uh.”
From behind them, they heard Kenzie say, “Because you’re all crazy enough to join that club?”
None of them turned away from the sight of the Collector’s head burning while his teeth chattered silently.
“No, dammit. None of that. Girls, and Kenzie, this is my goddamn mansion. No twisted, freaky—”
“Chattering.”
“Yeah, Fia. No chattering—”
“Burning.”
“Thanks, Mare. Yeah. No chattering, burning trash from some portal in my basement is—”
“It’s not in your basement, Dayzee.”
“I know, Fia. It’s just too much trouble to give the proper directions to it. All I’m trying to say is that there’s no way they’re burning down my mansion. Let’s go kick some Collector ass!”
Dayzee held a hand out to each of the Kildare Killers.
Sophia took one and said, “Huh. This should be fun.”
Marilyn giggled and said, “Any excuse to hold your hand, Dayzee.”
“You’re both right. Finally, I think we’re ready to—”
“Hey, wait!” Kenzie yelled behind them.
Without turning around, Dayzee said, “Maybe that girl needs to join the club you were talking about.”
“Oh, Dayzee, no!” said Marilyn. “Who would drive us?”
Sophia leaned around Dayzee to see her sister and said, “Sis, she’s more than just a driver.”
“Oh, yes, Sissy. Especially all the times you were with her upstairs, almost always in one bed or another, and neither of you seemed to like to wear any—”
“Alright, Sis. We get it.”
“So do you, Sissy.”
“Girls, let’s just see what that actress wants this time.”
Sophia rolled her eyes and shook her head, and Marilyn said, “Besides Sissy, you mean?”
“Mare, if we play this right, maybe we can get Kozy back. How’s that sound?”
Marilyn clapped her hands and said, “Yay, Kozy!”