Dayzee Dazzle and the On-Set Onslaught, Thrills N Kills in the Hills Book Three
Table of Contents
Chapter 1 – Here We Go Again 1
Chapter 2 – Telepathic Pheromones 8
Chapter 3 – Look at that Hat 16
Chapter 4 – Dazzle Me, Sissy 24
Chapter 5 – Circus on her Lawn 37
Chapter 6 – Quite a Feast 46
Chapter 7 – Keep Talking Sexy 57
Chapter 8 – Four Varieties of Danger 66
Chapter 9 – Of All the Weird Shit 77
Chapter 10 – From the Inside 86
Chapter 11 – Not from Earth 94
Chapter 12 – Such a Damn Lion 101
Chapter 13 – Couple of Dead Clones 110
Chapter 14 – Also Without a Head 119
Chapter 15 – How Many Problems 128
Chapter 16 – That Will Be the Show 137
Chapter 17 – Kildare Kuestick Girls 145
Chapter 18 – Dayzee, That’s Crazy 158
Chapter 19 – He’s Still Helping 166
Chapter 20 – Dead Guy Roundup 175
Chapter 21 – One of the Dead Guys 188
Chapter 22 – Kinda Surprised Me Too 197
Chapter 23 – Well, His Head Anyway 210
Chapter 24 – In West Hollywood 220
Chapter 25 – I Just Met You 229
Chapter 26 – Enough Dead Guys 239
Chapter 27 – I’m Next! 247
Chapter 28 – Keep Them in a Cage 259
Chapter 29 – I Am the Collector 269
Chapter 1 – Here We Go Again
“Oh my, this can’t be what humans mean by getting some tail!” Dayzee said as she stared at the ceiling of their favorite hangout, the Prism, with a big grin.
She looked down only long enough to find her cocktail, then she gazed back up at the ceiling with a deep sigh. On the barstool to her left sat Sophia, and two seats to her right sat Marilyn. Behind the bar, Kenzie and Mack stared at the display while ignoring every other patron, all of whom were oblivious to the spectacle.
Just to Dayzee’s right sat the current anatomical arrangement of their one-time protector, Bruno, a man who only recently had his full height restored. But his human form had vanished as the Guild’s experimentation on him had launched him into a surprise transformation. His long, thick, purple snake body coiled around his barstool, while his head, complete with a lit cigarette and a ball cap, gyrated and bounced in time with the jukebox’s beat.
“I’m next,” said Sophia, Marilyn’s twin sister and one half of the Kildare Killers.
“Oh no, Sissy,” said Marilyn. “You’ve already had so much fun with Kenzie when Kenzie was still Kenzie and not Kozy. I want to go next.”
“I’d argue with you, but I like when you say funny things like that.”
“There you two go again,” said Kenzie. “Someone called Kozy?”
“It’s a joke,” Dayzee said in barely above a whisper. “There’s no one called Kozy.”
“Not right now anyway,” Sophia said with a smirk.
Only the rattling of Bruno’s tail competed with the low classic rock. His amorous tail could have been louder if he hadn’t slithered it up and around Dayzee’s leg, between her thighs, and lodged it somewhere under her skirt that gave her a non-stop grin.
“I think I’ve seen enough,” said Kenzie. “I mean, that whole scene in your attic, Dayzee, was insane. And now, this?”
She finished putting fresh drinks in front of all of them, and Sophia said, “Hey, you have to admit, it’s kind of exciting, right?”
“Yeah, no doubt. Freaky, though.”
“What about you, Mack?” said Marilyn. “You don’t mind serving beer to a snake, do you?”
“Nah. I’m starting to get what Dayzee always says about how anything can happen in Beverly Hills.”
“West Hollywood,” Bruno said while his tongue flicked in and out.
“You just never quit, do you?” Dayzee said between rapid breaths.
Bruno grinned at her, turned to Mack, and said, “Barkeep, you know I can’t pick up that bottle. Give a snake a break, alright?”
“Sure, why the hell not?”
Mack held the bottle up, Bruno tipped his head back but not enough to lose his cap, and Mack poured while Bruno mostly hissed and gargled it around before it bubbled its way into him somewhere.
Kenzie and Mack both left to carry on their bar duties, and Dayzee said, “I do believe I could do this for—”
“Ugh,” said Bruno as he snapped his snake head to each side several times, flinging his cigarette onto the floor and his cap onto the bar.
“Oh, that’s terrible timing,” said Dayzee. “I’m really going to miss that tail of his.”
Bruno started stretching his head toward the ceiling and snapping it back down, bunching up his shiny purple snake skin like a spring.
“What’s next for Bruno?” said Marilyn. “Nobody knows!”
With his head almost touching the lights and beer signs above them, Bruno began belching, and most of the beer he’d swilled gurgled up and out and spilled all over the floor.
“Sheesh,” Sophia said with another smirk before snapping her fingers for another round.
Seconds later, a naked, human-looking Bruno lay twisted around the base of his barstool, smiling and shaking his head.
“Oh, I still need a minute to cool down from that,” said Dayzee. “Bruno, I’m putting in a request for the next time you change: be a snake. An even bigger snake. With a faster rattle.”
“I never got my turn,” said Marilyn. “I’m even more itchy now.”
“You’re always itchy, Sis,” said her sister. “I promise you: we’ll both get what we need real soon.”
Dayzee looked down and said, “Well, big guy, you should at least get dressed.”
“Oh, right, Dayzee. I just need a minute too. Somehow, that felt as good to me as it did to you.”
“Still, get some clothes on. Probably nobody cares—people get naked in here all the time—but nobody wants that bare ass on a barstool.”
A minute later, they all had fresh drinks, including a fully dressed Bruno, who wore jeans, black boots, a black t-shirt, and a ball cap that said “Surprise Surprise” on the front.
“Sophia!” said a loud voice from near the entrance.
All four turned to look, and Sophia said, “Oh, it’s that wannabe producer guy that stopped us on the sidewalk the other day. Remember him, Sis?”
“I sure do, Sissy. I think he’s stalking you.”
“Or maybe you? I mean, who wouldn’t stalk you? I do all the time.”
He closed the distance and stood between Sophia and Dayzee. He wore a thin black jacket and a bright blue shirt, and his smile showed rows of perfect, gleaming teeth.
“I remember you,” said Sophia. “Did our agent ever get in touch?”
“No, she sure as hell didn’t. Some nerve, if you ask me. Fine. She’s out of the deal. Just sign this NDA, and I’ll give you the script, and you and your gorgeous sister—”
“Her name’s Marilyn,” Sophia said with a glance toward her sister. “Not ‘that’ Marilyn. Just way better.”
“She sure is. Just sign, and we can get going on this. I just know you’ll love it. Here’s a pen, scribble your names here where—”
“Hey, hold up,” said Dayzee. “What kind of pathetic joke are you? We’re stars. You don’t just push papers at us and—”
“You’re just jealous because you don’t have our offer yet. Soon, though. For now, stay out of the way, Dayzee Dazzle.”
Bruno stood, his head practically scraping the rafters lost in shadows, and looked down on the man.
“Well, who the hell are you?” said the producer. “Hey, if we ever cast for Frankenstein, you’ll be at the top of the list.”
Bruno looked at Dayzee and said, “Is that funny? I didn’t get the Earth Humor and Witticisms download.”
“I did, and trust me, it’s not funny,” said Sophia. “He’s just a jerk.”
“Sissy is right,” said Marilyn. “Bruno, you’re still our protector, right?”
“Oh, yes, Miss Marilyn. I sure am.”
“How about getting busy with some protecting, then?” said Sophia.
“Right away, Lady Sophia.”
“What are you all talking about? Stop playing games and—”
Bruno reached a massive hand around the man’s throat, rendering him silent. With his other hand, he pinched the jacket between his shoulders and lifted him up. His shiny loafers dangled and kicked, and he waved around papers in one hand and a pen in the other.
“Bravo, Bruno!” Marilyn said as she snatched the script from him.
“Time to take out the trash,” said Dayzee.
“His voice sure got annoying fast,” said Sophia.
“Be right back, ladies.”
Bruno toted the quieted man to the back door. The jukebox continued to play, and not a single Prism patron paid any attention.
“I kind of like having him around,” Dayzee said before finishing her drink.
“Even when he was only this high,” said Sophia, holding her hand at the stool’s level. “What a perfect pool boy that was. Just the right size.”
“Can he still breathe underwater?” said Marilyn. “If so, we can get naked again, put him in the pool, get him busy, and tell him not to come back up until—”
“Dayzee?” Bruno said while leaning into the bar through the doorway to the Prism’s backyard.
“Problem taken care of?”
“Oh, um, yeah . . . you could say that.”
“Something’s wrong,” Marilyn said with a gentle shake of her head. “I know that look.”
“Just spill it,” said Sophia. “What happened? He ran home crying?”
“Uh . . . no, he won’t be crying. I, uh, I couldn’t help it. I turned back into that snake. Only for a second or two, but—”
“Oh, don’t tell me you used that amazing tail on him. Actually, that would be quite a sight. Maybe we could get Jiff out here with his camera, and you could—”
“No, Dayzee. Nothing like that. I, um . . . I mean, the snake, um, he—”
“Just say it,” said Sophia. “Your beer’s getting warm.”
“Alright. Here it is: I . . . I mean, the snake . . . well, he bit the guy’s head clean off.”
Dayzee stared at him, but the twins leaned forward to look at each other, Sophia grinning and shaking her head and Marilyn giggling with a hand trying to hide it.
“You what?”
“I’m sorry, Dayzee. Blame it on the sorsciencery?”
Marilyn said to her sister, “Oh my God, Sissy, another headless body. Here we go again!”
Sophia said, “We just can’t get away from them, Sis.”
“Bruno,” said Dayzee, “you—I mean, the snake you—ate that guy’s head?”
Bruno shook his head and chuckled.
“No, Sweetie, I—”
“It’s Dayzee.”
“Right. Dayzee. No, Dayzee, I spit it out. Even as a snake, I wasn’t about to eat that thing. Who knows where’s it’s been?”
Marilyn giggled more and said, “I have a few guesses.”
Sophia smirked and downed her drink.
“Where is he now? What did you do with him?”
“His body or his head?” said Bruno.
“Both,” she said with a grin. “They still kind of go together, don’t they?”
“Oh, he’s just sitting at the picnic table back there.”
“And his head?”
“It’s sitting there too.”
“Well, we can’t just leave them there. Can you at least grab the body to take with us?”
“Sure,” said Bruno, “but what about the head?”
“Leave it. Halloween decoration,” said Sophia.
“Uh-oh,” said Marilyn. “He’s going to be looking for head, just like all the rest.”
“No, Mare,” said Dayzee. “There’s no assassin from the Guild bringing him back to life. He’s just dead. End of story. Lights out.”
“Um . . .”
“What now, Bruno?”
“Dayzee, I’m not completely sure about that. I’m full of that sorcery junk, remember? When I bit him, maybe some of that, that stuff, maybe it got—”
“Oh, fine,” said Dayzee. “We’re used to headless guys walking around. Why don’t you grab him and his head, and we’ll take them—”
“She said ‘them!’” said Marilyn. “Is it one guy or two?”
Sophia chuckled and said, “Approximately one, Sis.”
“For now, let’s just say that there are two, Mare, and we’ll take them with us. God, only in Beverly Hills.”
“Dayzee, we’re actually in West Holly—”
“Just grab the body parts, Bruno!”
Chapter 2 – Telepathic Pheromones
The Prism’s heavy wooden door shook from a loud thump near the top, and the ice in Dayzee’s cocktail rattled and sloshed around. Another thump, closer to the level of the sidewalk outside, pried her steel blue eyes open even wider, and she looked to one side at Marilyn, then to the other side at Sophia, then up at Bruno, looking down at her, a headless body draped over one shoulder and a severed head in his hand.
“Dayzee,” said Marilyn, “whoever’s out there probably just wants a drink. Why don’t we just go?”
“Sis is right,” said Sophia. “Just open the door, and we can—”
“No, girls. Wait. Listen a second. That’s not somebody knocking.”
She shook her head slowly as she glanced toward the bar and saw that Mack and Kenzie were busy with bar patrons and not paying any attention to them. A look around showed that no one else cared either.
Another heavy thump, closer to her behind, which was wrapped in a tight skirt that she was pressing back against the door, prompted her to chuckle once and finish her drink.
“Alright, listen, girls. And Bruno. Remember everything we’ve been through? Do you really think there’s just some normal people out there that are—”
“Who said ‘normal?’” Sophia said with a grin. “Remember where we are?”
“Oh, Sissy makes a good point. It might be another headless guy, not a normal guy, although both are probably looking for the same thing.”
“And it isn’t a drink,” said Sophia, and she and Marilyn clinked their glasses with big grins.
“You know,” said Dayzee, “maybe it’s that sniper that’s been taking shots at me?”
Sophia shook her head and said, “Hey, maybe it’s a headless sniper. That has to happen eventually.”
“How would he aim, Sissy?”
“Girls. Well, if it is just another headless guy, sniper or not, we should still—”
“Wait,” said Bruno. “I didn’t tell you everything. I think I know what’s out there.”
Sounds like three more puffy boxing gloves pounding on the door followed, and Dayzee fumbled without looking, trying to find a way to bolt the door.
“Just wonderful, Bruno. What didn’t you tell us?”
“Those are birds. I’m sure of it. Big ones too. They’re trying to—”
“Kill us, I know,” said Dayzee, and she looked to the bar for a refill. “Another assassin must have been sent after us, and it took control of birds this time, and like an old Earth horror movie, they’re going to―”
“No. Not even close. Those are all girl birds. They can sense what I’m about to transform into, and they all want a piece of me. Really, I’m starting to want a piece of each of them too. I wonder just how many birds I can—”
“Wait a minute,” said Marilyn. “How do you know those are birds? And why would they want anything to do with you?”
“Ditto that,” said Sophia. “You just changed back from being a giant purple snake. No sane lady bird would ever—”
“That’s what I need to explain. When the Guild injected all that sorcery garbage into me, I turned into some kind of wolf or something. After that, I—”
“We remember,” said Dayzee. “You killed everyone, then you turned into a bunny, right?”
“Yeah, but here’s the thing: when I opened the door to get out of the lab, after I’d ripped them all apart, guess what was waiting for me?”
“Aw,” said Marilyn, “a bunch of sweet little girl bunnies?”
“Not exactly, Miss Marilyn—horny little girl bunnies. A whole flock of them.”
“But you didn’t have time for them, did you?” said Dayzee. “You wanted to get through the portal back to us, so you—”
“Oh no, Dayzee. I found time. Whew, that was something. Talk about getting some tail. Cute, fluffy tail too. My, oh my. Now, Easter on this planet will always—”
“Oh, I get it,” said Sophia. “You can tell you’re about to turn into some kind of bird. Is that it?”
“Yes, Lady Sophia. You nailed it.”
“And when you’re a bird, you’re going to nail all of them?” Dayzee said and hooked her thumb toward the door.
Ten more heavy thumps shook the door, and Bruno said, “Well, not those—they’re killing themselves to get at me. There will be more, though. Count on it.”
Kenzie came over with fresh drinks for all of them.
“I thought you were all leaving.”
She looked at what Bruno was carrying, frowned, and forced a smile for Dayzee and the twins.
“We were, Kenzie,” said Dayzee, “until the scary movie started out there.”
“In here too,” Sophia said with a laugh, pointing at the head, which only looked back at her quietly.
“No, it isn’t like that,” said Bruno. “They’ll ignore the rest of you. Me too until I change. I just don’t know when that’ll be.”
“Alright, then,” said Dayzee, and she tipped her drink all the way back and finished it. So did the twins. Kenzie handed Bruno his beer, and he swilled it all down.
“Wonderful,” said Dayzee. “Just another day in Beverly Hills.”
“West Hollywood,” Bruno said with a grin.
“Whatever. We’re on Sunset—that’s all that matters.”
“You’re coming with us, aren’t you?” Sophia said while smiling at Kenzie.
“Ooh, I knew it, Sissy.”
“Stop, Sis. I’m just asking.”
“Yeah, I’d love to get back to Dayzee’s mansion. Do we still have that limo?”
“Nope. They towed it,” said Dayzee.
“I’ll find us something,” said Kenzie. “Wait inside until—”
Seven more thumps rattled the door and got Dayzee’s eyes to bug out again.
“—until I yell for you all to come outside.”
“You’re a car thief?”
“No, Marilyn, I’m an actress, remember?”
Dayzee glanced at Marilyn, who shrugged and shook her head. A look at Sophia showed that she was grinning and nodding.
“Well, what the hell. Alright, Kenzie, set us up. Hey, I haven’t heard any birds beating on the door for a while. You alright, Bruno?”
“I don’t feel like I’ll be a bird anymore. The sorcery’s taking a break, I think. I just feel like Bruno now.”
“How do the birds know anyway?” said Sophia.
“It’s like pheromones probably. Maybe telepathic pheromones?”
“Makes as much sense as anything else. I say we get going, Dayzee.”
“Okay, Fia. I’m opening the door. Kenzie, make a run for it.”
“In heels that high?” Marilyn said with a giggle.
“I’d like to see that,” said her sister.
“I bet you would, Sissy. Me too!”
“A hearse? Kenzie, what the hell are you—”
“Relax, Dayzee. It was the closest thing I could find that could carry us all back to your mansion.”
They’d all stepped over and around the small pile of woodpeckers, owls, and doves lying around dead and dying near the door.
“I also got the Indigenous Life Forms download,” said Bruno, “and that,”—he pointed to a bird at the top of the heap—“is a sapsucker.”
“That’s funny, Sissy,” said Marilyn. “I’ve known more than a few saps.”
“Oh, I could really put together some jokes on that,” said her sister with a grin. “Remind me later.”
Dayzee brushed back her thick, wild blond hair and crossed her arms. She stood on the clean concrete sidewalk in front of the Prism Bar and Grill in West Hollywood, her glossy black high-heeled boots reflecting the Southern California sunshine. She showed off her film star figure in black fishnet stockings, a short black skirt, and a mostly unbuttoned white blouse.
“A hearse sounds about right to me,” said Sophia. “Sis and I are the Kildare Killers, after all. Something that’s made to haul dead bodies makes perfect sense.”
She flicked back her silky, long black hair and popped another button of her tight red blouse before adding, “And you just know there are going to be more dead bodies.” She stood grinning in her short black skirt and pointy black heels.
“Sissy’s right about that. Hey, we already have one too!” said Marilyn, Sophia’s twin sister, as she tried to pull down her very short white dress. Her stunning, wavy blond hair cascaded down over her shoulders, and her blue eyes shined as she studied their new ride with her high white heels bright against the concrete.
“Remember all those guys walking around, looking for head, Dayzee?”
“Yeah, Mare, of course, I remember. You miss them?”
“I know I do,” said Sophia. “I’m kind of glad we have at least this one.”
“Why, Fia?”
“I admire the honesty of it. For one thing, a guy without that head can’t try to convince us he just wants to be friends. It’s obvious what he’s looking for. He can’t even hide it.”
“No, he sure can’t,” said Marilyn. “Even though he’s only thinking with the other one, he’s still—”
“Mare, we don’t have time to analyze all the dead guys we’ve known. We need to—”
“Just how many has it been?”
“I lost count, Fia. Anyway, we need to get back to my house. Remember Cliff? The reality show he insists on starting today?”
“Oh, of course, I remember,” said Marilyn. “Sissy told him we’d slither right over there. That’s funny because Bruno had just turned into—”
“A purple snake,” said Bruno. “Yeah, and Dayzee, you liked me being a snake.”
“Oh yeah, a rattlesnake too,” said Dayzee. “Oh my, the things you did with that tail of yours.”
The Guild had injected into him sorciencery mixtures, an uncontrollable and unpredictable blend of science and sorcery, before he’d escaped through the portal to Earth. No one knew how long he’d continue to morph into random life forms, some real and maybe some only imaginary. He’d reclaimed his ball cap that said “Surprise Surprise” across the front, and a fresh cigarette dangled from his mouth.
“You liked that tail of mine, huh?”
“Oh my God, Bruno, it was like—”
“I never did get my turn,” Marilyn said with a big pout. “I’m getting so itchy I can’t even stand it.”
“Sis isn’t the only one,” said Sophia. “You know what I need? I need another fountain of youth. The first chance I get, I’m going to―”
“Girls, just stop. It’s too soon for another fountain—you’ll both be way out of control if you do that. We need to focus. Kenzie,” she said and turned to grin at the Prism’s barmaid, whose long brown hair fell softly over her shoulders, drawing attention to her tight t-shirt, which stretched over her breasts and fell short of her even tighter jeans, leaving a strip of smooth skin to be viewed, “you really shouldn’t have stolen that—”
“Oh, Dayzee, I didn’t steal anything. I’m not a thief. I’m really just an actress. Well, a barmaid sometimes too.”
Sophia looked away and grinned, Marilyn looked down and sighed, and Dayzee nodded and smiled.
“Yes, of course, you are. Everyone is. Well, not the guys, maybe. Sometimes, I suppose, depending on the storyline, but we don’t have time for that now. What do you mean, you didn’t steal it?”
“Listen, we have our own driver. The hearse dude!”
“What the hell is a hearse dude, and why would he want to drive us around? What’s in it for him?”
“Have you seen my sister?” Sophia said with a grin.
“That goes doubly for my Sissy,” said Marilyn. “Oh, and you, too, Dayzee. That earthman will be doing more than just driving us around.”
“Girls, shouldn’t you wait until you can check him out before making all those plans?”
“I don’t even care right now,” said Marilyn. “I’m about to strut back into the Prism—”
“No one struts like my Sis.”
“—and drag that cutie Mack down behind the bar. Or maybe on the pool table!”
“You call that itchy?” said Sophia. “I’m ready to test out Bruno right here on the sidewalk.”
“In broad daylight?” said Marilyn. “What will people think?”
Dayzee shook her head and grinned at Sophia.
“Such a sweet kid. She still doesn’t get it.”
She turned to Marilyn and said, “Mare, it’s Beverly Hills, remember? People are too caught up in their own lives to care about anything else. Now, let’s get a peek at our new driver before we head for home.”
Kenzie turned around, waved her hand in circles above her head, and whistled so loudly that Dayzee and the twins covered their ears.
“My God,” said Dayzee. “Where did you learn that?”
“Oh, I grew up on a ranch in Wyoming. We did that all day long.”
“Sounds fun,” said Sophia. “You do look damn cute doing that, though.”
“I agree, Sissy,” said Marilyn.
“But, Kenzie,” said Dayzee, “that’s how you call him?”
“With him? Sure. He came all the way from Colombia to be a cowboy.”
“Well, what the heck is he doing in the Hills?”
“Driving us around in a hearse,” Kenzie said with a grin.
“Oh. Sure. Of course.”
The driver’s door opened, and a man with nearly black skin, wearing baggy black jeans and a white tank top, stepped out. His lean, pumped-up muscles carried a sheen from the growing heat, and he wore a wide-brimmed white western hat and mirrored sunglasses. He slammed the door, stood at attention, and grinned, showing a single twinkling diamond in one of his front teeth.
“Ladies, meet The Kid.”
“Oh, I think I will,” Sophia said while scanning him up and down.
“Me too, Sissy. I’m ready for a rodeo.”
“Is he our driver or what?” said Kenzie.
“That’s his uniform?” said Dayzee.
“Eh—maybe he stole the hearse,” said Kenzie. “Yeah, that might be it.”
Dayzee grabbed a hand of each of the twins flanking her and said, “Girls, we sure are in for some bizarre thrills this time . . .”
Chapter 3 – Look at that Hat
With The Kid behind the wheel and Dayzee up front with him, the twins had Kenzie squeezed between them in the backseat, and Bruno had laid himself down in back after saying, “Hey, there’s a dead human in this long box back here.”
“Does he still have his head?” Marilyn said with a giggle.
“Sadly, yes,” Bruno said with a grin. “Would you like me to remove it, Miss Marilyn?”
“You’d do that for me? How sweet.”
“That sure sounds fun,” said Dayzee, “but we already have a headless guy on the other side of that box. You two cozy back there, Bruno?”
“Well, I don’t know about cozy. We’ll make it to your mansion, though. How about if I toss him and his head in the box, and we can―”
“He said, ‘him and his head,’” said Marilyn. “That’s just silly.”
“Sure, why not?” said Dayzee. “Let’s hope that neither one of them will be walking around looking for anything. Maybe the one that the snake Bruno bit but not the other one. We’re done with that assassin, remember?”
“I’m starting to kind of miss all that,” said Sophia. “I hope our new headless guy starts walking.”
“Or dancing,” said Marilyn.
“Sis, none of them were ever—”
“Alright, girls.”
“We can’t be sure about there being no more assassins either, Dayzee,” said Bruno. “I have no idea what might have tagged along with me before they destroyed the portal back inside the Prism by that big statue guy.”
“Seriously?” said Kenzie. “You’d all want another assassin so you could go through that attic scene again?”
“What attic scene?” said Bruno. “Yeah, you should all do it again . . . for me. I want to see it. Whatever it was.”
“That’s kind of funny, Bruno,” said Marilyn. “I’m in. How about you, Sissy?”
“Sure . . . maybe. It sure scared your photographer friend away,” said Sophia. “Jiff was his name, right?”
“Oh, he’s not running scared,” said Dayzee. “With any luck, he’s out buying a new camera. I still can’t believe how that sniper shot his camera to pieces, and that guy—”
“She said ‘guy’ again!” said Marilyn. “It was just a closet door!”
“That’s funny, Sis. It sure did grow something like a horny guy would, didn’t he?”
“Sissy, you called him ‘he!’”
“I did, didn’t I? Anyway, Kenzie, about The Kid—he doesn’t say much,” said Sophia. “Is he shy or something?”
“I don’t know,” said Kenzie, “but I get the impression he’s self-conscious about his English not being so good.”
“Well, that’s not a big deal,” said Dayzee, “because we—”
“Oh, and I think he’s mostly blind too.”
A long moment of silence captured the idling hearse. Bruno lifted his head up and stared, and Dayzee turned around to look at Kenzie.
“And he’s our driver?”
Kenzie shrugged and said, “Well, let’s hope for the best.”
Sophia gave Kenzie’s thigh a squeeze and said, “I always do. This is just perfect. He’s our guy.”
Dayzee twisted farther around to see Marilyn, and she shrugged and said, “He is pretty hot, Dayzee. And the Flats is right around the corner, easy for even a blind driver to find.”
Dayzee looked past the twins and Kenzie in the backseat toward Bruno, and he said, “I might be too tall to drive this thing anyway.”
Dayzee sighed and said, “Fine. Home, James.”
“The Kid,” said The Kid, in a slow, deep voice that poured like spicy molasses.
“Not you too. Alright, whatever. I bet you’re not going to last long anyway. Not with those Killers in the backseat. Home, The Kid.”
“That sounds silly too,” said Marilyn.
“Kid. Just Kid,” he said with a sparkling grin.
“Nope, I’m staying silly. Home, The Kid.”
“Hey, just for fun, let’s ride east on Sunset first, and if The Kid can put on this thing’s flashing lights, maybe we can get a line of cars to follow us.”
“Why would we do that, Fia?” said Dayzee.
“Why not? It’s the Hills, right?”
“You’re making a lot of sense.”
“I like the idea,” said Marilyn. “They won’t be dead guys driving, though.”
“Not right away,” said Sophia. “You know that we seem to attract a lot of dead guys, though.”
“Girls, you create them. Then, you burn them down to nothing. You’re the Kildare Killers.”
“Well,” said Marilyn, “we just can’t help ourselves.”
“The Kid,” said Dayzee, “show us what you got. We want a screaming U-turn, spinning tires taking us east, then another careless U-turn to bring us back home. Think you can handle that?”
“Si.”
Marilyn giggled and whispered to Kenzie, “Uh-uh, he really can’t.”
“He’s still a good driver,” said Kenzie. “I mean, look at that hat.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” said Dayzee.
“I have no idea,” said Kenzie. “I’m pretty sure I lost most of my mind up in your attic when . . . well, whatever that was.”
Sophia gave her thigh another squeeze and said, “That’s alright. You’re still hot. That’s mostly what matters.”
“Now that we have all that sorted out,” said Dayzee, “drive, The Kid.”
The Kid turned the wheel to the left, never looked with his nearly-useless eyes, floored the gas, and screeched the hearse around to face east. With the engine redlining, the tires spun, and they all rocketed a mile down the road before he whipped the car around and put it in park.
“I lost my cap out the back window,” said Bruno. “Hell of a ride, though.”
“Why does that window even open?” said Sophia. “So the dead human can change his mind and climb out?”
“That’s funny, Sissy. Yes, but only if he still has a head.”
“Well, one of them back there still does.”
“We’ll pick your hat up on the way back,” said Dayzee. “You know what to do, The Kid,” said Dayzee.
“Si. Light. I like lite beer too.”
“Um, how about just the hearse lights for now,” Dayzee said before she turned to smile at the twins and Kenzie. “If you survive long enough, I’ll set you up at the house. So glad you know the important words.”
The Kid flipped a switch near the visor, and the car’s flashing beacon came to life.
Marilyn turned and pointed through the rear window and said, “We caught one already. This is easy.”
Sophia and Kenzie both turned, paused to share a smile before looking out the back, and Sophia said, “And another one. How many do we want?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said Dayzee. “I don’t even know why we’re doing this.”
“Isn’t it some kind of law around here that everyone needs to do crazy stuff?” said Sophia.
“Seems like it,” Bruno said from the back.
“Two is good enough to start the parade,” said Sophia. “Let’s go slow and see how many more we can drag with us.”
“Better yet,” said Marilyn, “let’s go fast and see if they can keep up.”
“Oh, great idea, Sis,” said her sister. “Drive, The Kid, drive!”
She reached forward and tipped his hat over his eyes.
“Si!”
“No, he sure as hell won’t!” said Dayzee.
The Kid locked the brakes, and the hearse fishtailed to an abrupt stop outside the closed entrance gate to Dayzee’s mansion in the Flats. Six cars behind them crunched together at the unexpected stop, but none of them hit the hearse.
Looking out the back window, Sophia said, “Well, that’s a shame. No one told them to follow us, though. That’s on them.”
“You’re so right, Sissy. So, what’s next? What do we do with them?”
“I have no idea, Sis. I didn’t think that far ahead. It just sounded like fun.”
“It sure was,” said Kenzie. “I think I’m starting to understand all of you. I mean, the kills are kind of sad, but the thrills are . . . well, thrilling.”
“Now, you’re catching on,” said Sophia. “Don’t forget: they’re just earthmen anyway.”
“Well, yeah, because what else could they be?”
Sophia leaned forward to say to her sister, also leaning, “She’s kind of a sweet kid, huh?”
“You would know better than anyone,” said Marilyn. “I haven’t forgotten all of the times you two were in a bed upstairs and your clothes were—”
“Hey,” said Sophia, “never mind that. Dayzee, what’s the plan?”
Dayzee turned to look at the back seat, and The Kid held the wheel with both hands and stared out through the windshield.
“Well, let’s see. We have two itchy Kildare Killers, a renegade actress slash barmaid from the Prism, a very tall former snake named Bruno, and—”
“And a blind driver that can’t speak English,” Sophia said with a scoff.
“I bet you’re pretty itchy, too, Dayzee,” said Marilyn.
“God yeah, I sure am. Yeah, all of that. And—”
“Two dead guys. One missing a head.”
“No, Sissy,” said Marilyn, “he still has his head. Sort of. It’s close, at least.”
“Right,” said Dayzee, “we have two dead bodies, and we’re just getting started. And take a look through the gate. Cliff is there with his crew to start filming ‘Kildare in the Hills.’ Check it out: they already set up some kind of lighting post thing in the yard.
“Oh, and I forgot about that moving guys’ truck. And the carpenter’s truck too. They’re dead and gone, but we need to get rid of those trucks.”
“I still think burying them in the backyard would work,” said Marilyn. “Remember how we planned to make that headless, one-legged dead guy dig the hole?”
“Sis, we never planned that. That was a bad idea from the start. How could he—”
“Girls, it’s too late to hide the trucks anyway. Cliff already saw them. We just need to drive them out of there.”
“A good job for a blind guy,” Sophia said with a grin.
“Oh, Sissy is sure right about that.”
“Alright, that’ll work. I’ll open the gate, The Kid will drive in, and before all those funeral groupies can follow us, I’ll close the gate.”
“I like this plan,” said Marilyn. “But why would they follow us in?”
“Looking for a party, Sis?”
“Oh, that makes sense. There’s free food when humans expire.”
“Hey,” said Sophia, “is it possible that all those people know the dead human in the box?”
“Oh my God, wouldn’t that be funny?” said Marilyn. “How could we find out?”
“We give him back,” said Bruno. “I’ll just drop him on one of the cars. They can sort it out.”
“Alright, but we can’t let Cliff and his crew see any of that,” said Dayzee. “Bruno, you stay with The Kid while we distract Cliff. Then, can you toss our dead earthman over the fence?”
“The headless one or the headed one?”
“Let’s keep the headless one. Just the headed one for now.”
Bruno glanced at the high fence, grinned, and said, “Oh, hell yeah.”
Dayzee found her phone, tapped a few numbers, and the entrance gate to her mansion in the Beverly Hills Flats swung in. The Kid gunned the engine and raced the hearse inside, and Dayzee locked it up before their funeral train could follow.
“Well, that was easy enough,” said Dayzee. “I thought they’d—”
“Oh, hang on,” said Bruno.
Everyone except The Kid turned to see Bruno on his hands and knees, looking from one to the other with his head twitching up and down and side to side.
“Uh-oh,” said Marilyn.
“Can you still talk?” said Dayzee. “Try to at least give us a clue.”
Bruno growled, turned his head up toward the ceiling, and let out a gentle roar as if he was only practicing.
“I think he’s done talking,” said Sophia.
“No, Lady Sophia. I just had to get that out. I can still talk.”
“Alright, then,” said Dayzee. “What’s going on with you? That growl didn’t sound like a bird.”
“No, Dayzee. No birds this time. I feel a mountain lion coming on.”
“Wonderful. Are you going to kill us?”
Bruno erupted in a mix of roaring and laughing and managed to say, “Hell no. Remember how I treated you when I was a snake?”
“Well, good, but don’t get any romantic ideas, Mr. Lion.”
She turned to The Kid.
“The Kid, find a button to open up this thing’s back door. Lion boy needs to run.”
“Hey, can we just feed the dead guys to the mountain lion?” said Marilyn.
“Sis, that’s crazy. Bruno would never—”
“Wait a sec, Fia. Mare might be onto something. Bruno, how about it?”
“I would, but I can imagine the nasty jokes I’d never hear the end of.”
“He’s right,” said Sophia with a snicker. “Oh, I sure would give him hell.”
“See, Dayzee? No, I’m not eating any heads.”
“Fine. We’ll figure something out.”
Chapter 4 – Dazzle Me, Sissy
Sutcliffe Gutsquid broke out a wide, shiny white grin at seeing Dayzee, the twins, and Kenzie approaching, their heels clicking on the driveway paving stones.
“My, Dayzee, you sure know how to make an entrance. As do you, Marilyn, and you, Sophia. I won’t even ask why you’re all tooling around in a hearse, but I love it. I will ask, however, who you might be?”
“I’m Kenzie.”
“A pleasure to meet you, Kenzie. I’m Cliff. You sure remind me of someone. Oh, I know—that Kozy fellow. Should I assume he’s arriving—”
“See? There’s that name again,” said Kenzie. “Just who the heck is Kozy anyway?”
“Oh, Kenzie,” said Dayzee, “there’s no one real named Kozy. I told you, that was just a funny Halloween joke, and we—”
“He was no joke, Dayzee,” said Cliff. “A specimen like him could never—”
“Could never be real. That’s right,” said Sophia.
“Sissy’s right,” said Marilyn. “Hey, Cliff, do you have a favorite bedroom in this gigantic mansion of Dayzee’s?”
“Huh?” He looked up at the long line of windows on the second floor. “Well, yeah, but—”
“I bet I know why it’s your favorite,” Sophia said with a grin.
“Oh, I sure know why too,” Cliff said with his own grin, “but he, Kozy was—”
“Not real. We know,” said Dayzee. “Hey, we’re just about ready to start the reality show. What do you think of the place?”
Cliff looked from Dayzee to Sophia, then to Marilyn. He met Kenzie’s staring gaze and shrugged, and she only shook her head. He turned back to Dayzee.
“We’re almost ready. We got that light tower set up for when that gorgeous Beverly Hills sun goes down. We also have some loose scripts, which are mostly just ideas for conversation topics.”
He rose up onto his toes and looked past the four girls.
“What was . . . I just saw a big cat or something running along the fence behind those bushes.”
He pointed and scanned the area. Only Kenzie turned to look.
“That’s just Bruno,” Marilyn said while shaking her head.
Cliff looked at her until Sophia said, “He just needed to run, we think.”
He kept staring at Sophia until Dayzee said, “The neighbor’s cat, Cliff. That’s all.”
“It looked kind of big.”
Marilyn giggled and said, “Hmm . . . that reminds me of something Sissy and I found in that favorite bedroom of yours.”
Cliff laughed and said, “Alright, so there’s a cat. Big deal. Are there big cats in Kildare, girls?”
They nodded and smiled.
“Then, let the show commence!”
“The first thing we should do is to—”
“Have a drink, Cliff? I agree. The bar is always fully stocked.”
“Yes, that’s good, but I meant clearing out the driveway. You’ve got a delivery truck, a pickup, and now a hearse. When your new cars get here, I’d like to film their arrival. How about if we move some of these others out?”
The twins looked at each other, then at Dayzee.
“Um, sure, Cliff. Let me go give some instructions to our driver. He’ll—”
“It’s Kozy, isn’t it? I knew he was—”
“There he goes again!” said Kenzie. “Who the hell is Kozy?”
Cliff took a good look at Kenzie and said, “Why, he could almost be you. He looks a lot like you.”
“Nonsense,” said Dayzee. “Kenzie, he’s just being funny. What he’s really trying to say is that he wants you in on this reality show too. What do you say?”
She stared at Kenzie and waited for an answer.
“You want me to be in your reality show? Really?”
“Yes, we all do. You’re an actress, right?”
Sophia grinned at her sister, who only raised her eyebrows and stared.
“Yes, I sure am. Okay! Yeah, I’d love to be in your show!”
“Good. And now,”—she turned toward Cliff—“let’s not have any more crazy talk about someone that you think was named Kozy.”
Cliff stared at her for a few seconds, then let out a deep breath.
“Fine. I just want to get started. Kenzie, great to have you on board.”
“First,” said Dayzee, “I do need to talk to our driver. He likes to be called The Kid.”
“Maybe we could find a part for him to—”
“No, Cliff,” said Dayzee. “I don’t think he’s going to be around long enough.”
Marilyn giggled and got elbowed by her sister.
“Why don’t all of you go get started on a few drinks, and I’ll chat with The Kid. Alright?”
“Sure, whatever you want, Dayzee. You’re a star!”
“The Kid, we have all kinds of favors to ask of you. Do you understand enough English?”
“Si, hear good English. Speak? Eh . . .”
“Good enough. First, we need to get rid of those bodies.”
“Head?”
Dayzee stared at him and said, “I barely know you, and you’re already . . . oh, that head. Yes, the head too. Let’s go take a look in the human box.”
They walked around to the hearse’s back door, and The Kid swung it open. A soft pounding sound came from inside the casket.
Dayzee shook her head and said, “And there’s our assassin. Wonderful. Damn Guild. Can you move that with both bodies inside?”
“The Kid is strong.”
“I hope so. Fireproof, too, would be good.”
“Que?”
“Nothing. Alright, drag the box close to the gate, I’ll pop it open, and you push the whole mess out onto the sidewalk. Sound good?”
“Si.”
The Kid tugged on the casket, pulling it out from the vehicle, and he lost his grip and let it drop. The top sprung up and locked open, Dayzee screamed softly and glanced toward the house, and the headless guy began climbing out.
“Oh, just wonderful. The Kid, you need to protect me because that dead guy, he’s going to . . . he’s . . . wait a second . . . he doesn’t even care about me!”
The dead guy left in the opposite direction as mountain lion Bruno, walking along the fence and disappearing behind the line of tall shrubs.
“Now, head?”
Dayzee stared at him again and began to grin. She pointed at him and said, “Oh, I think you understand English better than you let on. Let’s take care of business first, alright?”
“Si,” he said with a gleaming grin.
“As for that head,”—she pointed at the blinking and scowling head in the casket—“just toss it back there behind the bushes too. Who knows, maybe Bruno the lion will decide to gnaw on it anyway?”
The Kid picked up the head and faced the long, dense wall of landscaping, with only a narrow path between it and the tall wrought iron fence. He held the head up like a bowling ball, ignored its snapping and snarling, then executed a perfect four-step approach, sending the head tumbling far along the gloomy path.
“The Kid, you’re a bowler?”
“Si. The Kid uses big balls.”
Dayzee snickered and said, “Well, maybe we’ll see about that.”
“Si,” he said with one tooth glinting in the sunlight.
“Well, alright. That’s progress. Now, this body that really is still dead, can you leave it on the sidewalk, then push the box back inside?”
“Si, The Kid can.”
He grabbed both ankles, Dayzee hit some numbers on her phone, and he dragged the corpse out to the walk. Then, he pushed the casket inside the hearse and slammed the rear door while Dayzee sealed up the gate.
“Well, that was easy. Except for the headless dead guy walking around somewhere. Now, the hearse. Oh, you know what? We should get rid of the funeral party people out there. How about you light this thing up again and lead them somewhere? Maybe a ride back down Sunset?”
“Then?”
“It doesn’t matter. Jam them all up in a parking lot maybe.”
“Si, I do that.”
“You’re alright, The Kid. Carry on.”
She gave him a crisp salute, which he returned, his diamond catching a bit of the Southern California sunlight, and he fired up the hearse as Dayzee reopened the gate.
With The Kid leading the procession back toward the Prism, Dayzee closed the gate and began a determined strut toward the house.